When you’re a cartographer, having to make maps sort of comes with the territory.

Jarod Kintz


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The locked door in my house is just a diversion. The real valuable items are out in the open, where they are hidden from the unimaginative.

Jarod Kintz


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There’s cat feces in my Batman costume, and all the lines in my screenplay were snorted by the neighborhood cokehead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Jarod Kintz


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I don’t need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning label on the package.

Jarod Kintz


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I sent him a silent message with my body language, but he must be deaf—or, rather, blind.

Jarod Kintz


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I don’t need a napkin. That’s what pants are for.

Jarod Kintz


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I forgot to bring up banana peels. I guess it just slipped my mind.

Jarod Kintz


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Sunglasses make me feel cool. They also make me feel cool. (Stylish and refreshingly chilly).

Jarod Kintz


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I’m a gopher. If I see something I want, I go for it, Orafoura said
.
And I’m a shepherd. If I see a sheep I like, I fuck it, I replied. I mean I would, if I were sexually attracted to average Americans.

Jarod Kintz


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No matter how hard I try, I can’t grow facial hair on my chest.

Jarod Kintz


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