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I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them.

My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place. 

I got my spring cleaning done early this year. I did it over the summer.

I’m training for my wedding, because I’m going to be running down the aisle—in the opposite direction of the alter and my fiancé.

I’m older today than yesterday, and therefore I must be more mature.

My sheep pants don’t make me one of them. However, 37 Brantleys made an appeal on my behalf, but I still have to take off my pants.

Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence.

Economist should be spelled echonomist, because they all repeat each other.

I’m angry as hell. I’m angry for all the people who should be angry but aren’t, either because they’re too stupid or too timid.

Here in Jacksonville there’s a road called Commonwealth Blvd., and today as I was driving on it, I realized how socialist the name sounds.

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