I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them.

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My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place.


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I got my spring cleaning done early this year. I did it over the summer.

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I’m training for my wedding, because I’m going to be running down the aisle—in the opposite direction of the alter and my fiancé.

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I’m older today than yesterday, and therefore I must be more mature.

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My sheep pants don’t make me one of them. However, 37 Brantleys made an appeal on my behalf, but I still have to take off my pants.

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Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence.

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Economist should be spelled echonomist, because they all repeat each other.

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I’m angry as hell. I’m angry for all the people who should be angry but aren’t, either because they’re too stupid or too timid.

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Here in Jacksonville there’s a road called Commonwealth Blvd., and today as I was driving on it, I realized how socialist the name sounds.

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