He had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and an erection the size of a baby carrot. Man, he really was excited to meet me.

Jarod Kintz


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I thought you were her because she wasn’t here yesterday and neither were you. What would I do without you? Probably the same thing I didn’t do yesterday—nothing.

Jarod Kintz


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Just by looking at a picture, I can tell a lot about a person. Right off the bat, I can tell if they’re a human or a bat. Or Batman.

Jarod Kintz


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I am a single drop of blood trying to mix in with billions of red paint splatters in this Pollack painting called life. I think the cops are trying to frame me.

Jarod Kintz


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Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.

Jarod Kintz


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Women are like convertibles: They should be topless. Also, they should stay in the garage. I mean kitchen. No, I mean bedroom. Damnit, I guess they can roam freely about the house.

Jarod Kintz


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Habits define who we are from the outside in, more than who we are defines us from the inside out.

Jarod Kintz


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My beard has started growing a beard of its own, and I’m stuck having to take it for a walk.

Jarod Kintz


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Because of the age difference, I assumed they were related, mother/daughter. But they weren’t. They were father/son/possible lovers.

Jarod Kintz


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My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.

Jarod Kintz


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