I peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already someone in the shower.

Jarod Kintz


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I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no action.

Jarod Kintz


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Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

Jarod Kintz


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I have no regrets. Just original grets.

Jarod Kintz


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Babies look better when they’re all dressed up—in bacon.

Jarod Kintz


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Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.

Jarod Kintz


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I wear my underwear on the outside of my itch.

Jarod Kintz


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Don’t go on a ghost tour, because you won’t see a ghost. Well, you might. Maybe I have ghost blindness and can’t see the invisible.

Jarod Kintz


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As she stood in the corner, I thought her elbow was her nipple. That’s just the kind of pervert I am.

Jarod Kintz


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I like a man who pauses to reflect, while pausing in the mirror to reflect. I can imagine that such a man would look exactly like my clone.

Jarod Kintz


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