The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.

Jarod Kintz


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My face looks different now that I got the boundaries redrawn by an experienced cartographer.

Jarod Kintz


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They should make blindfolds with circles cut out where the eyes are, so kidnappers would be able to tell when their victims‘ eyes are closed, so their secret locations aren’t revealed.

Jarod Kintz


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I’m a four-time Pulitzer Prize winning admirer. I’m also a 16-time Olympic medalist observer (I saw Michael Phelps on TV).

Jarod Kintz


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I am who I pretend to be, and right now I’m pretending to be my own clone.

Jarod Kintz


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There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late.

Jarod Kintz


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I’m interested in portraying the internal workings of things externally out of work.

Jarod Kintz


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Before I make you boss, I want to tattoo “Assistant” around your asshole.

Jarod Kintz


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Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unrelated, though I might cough up a hairball later on.

Jarod Kintz


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I suspended my disbelief, and left it floating in mid air.

Jarod Kintz


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