On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler’s List “What do you want — the candy? They’re throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?
Justin HalpernYour friends’ parents drive like assholes. Tell them it’s an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan.
Justin HalpernYou are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we’ll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet.
Justin HalpernYou say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.
Justin HalpernOn Showering with Regularity “You’re ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day…. I don’t give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.
Justin HalpernOn My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.
Justin HalpernJoey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she’s been accidentally delivered to a baby shower.
Justin HalpernOn My Eighth-Grade Graduation Ceremony “They’re celebrating you graduating from eighth grade? We just went to your sixth-grade graduation two goddamned years ago! Jesus Christ, why don’t they just throw a fucking party every time you properly wipe your ass?
Justin HalpernOn My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing…. Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.
Justin HalpernOn Proper Etiquette for Borrowing His Car “You borrowed the car, and now it smells like shit. I don’t care if you smell like shit, that’s your business. But when you shit up my car, then that’s my business. Take it somewhere and un-shit that smell.
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