It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.
Justin HalpernStichwörter: babies procreation
You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.
Justin HalpernYour penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.
Justin HalpernThere seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.
Justin HalpernStichwörter: attractiveness gay-people
My mind was quickly consumed with thoughts of my girlfriend and all the good times we had had, like one of those cheesy montages ni eighties movies, when the angsty protagonist envisions himself and his ex holding hands on the beach, feeding a small puppy, getting into some kind of zany wrestling match with whipped cream. I interrupted my cliché memories by saying aloud: "Ugh, I'm feeling pretty low about this whole thing."
"You just gotta try to put it out of your head," he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me.
"I know, it's just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I going to do about that? I still have a TV...," I said.
"Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties."
"It's a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV," I insisted.
"Go get that fucking TV.
On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate
“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.
Stichwörter: everyday-life
If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.
Justin HalpernOh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.
Justin HalpernYou're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.
Justin HalpernWhen it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.
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