Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.
Justin HalpernI don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.
Justin HalpernNobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something?...Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking.
Justin HalpernEven though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off base when he said, "Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes." . . . "Remember. Family," he said. "Also, how do I get back to I-5? I hate this fucking city.
Justin HalpernStichwörter: los-angeles
On my seventh birthday party:
No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party...What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god-damned bouncy house in our backyard?...Yeah, that's right, that's the kind of shit I think about , that you just think magically appears.
On my first day of kindergarten:
"You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.
Stichwörter: humor kindergarten
On Telemarketer Phone Calls
“Hello?…Fuck you.
That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.
Justin HalpernStichwörter: women attractiveness
You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.
Justin HalpernStichwörter: urine swimming-pools
The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.
Justin HalpernStichwörter: babies relativity
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