Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.
Justin HalpernI don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.
Justin HalpernNobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something?...Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking.
Justin HalpernEven though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off base when he said, "Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes." . . . "Remember. Family," he said. "Also, how do I get back to I-5? I hate this fucking city.
Justin HalpernMots clés los-angeles
On my seventh birthday party:
No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party...What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god-damned bouncy house in our backyard?...Yeah, that's right, that's the kind of shit I think about , that you just think magically appears.
On my first day of kindergarten:
"You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.
Mots clés humor kindergarten
On Telemarketer Phone Calls
“Hello?…Fuck you.
That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.
Justin HalpernMots clés women attractiveness
You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.
Justin HalpernMots clés urine swimming-pools
The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.
Justin HalpernMots clés babies relativity
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