Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Ambrose Bierce

Tags: humor certainty satire mistakes positive self-assurance errors assertions



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Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Ambrose Bierce

Tags: humor satire apologies offences



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Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

Ambrose Bierce


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Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

Ambrose Bierce

Tags: definitions sports



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LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.

Ambrose Bierce


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San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen

Ambrose Bierce


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An ambassador is a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given an office by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Ambrose Bierce


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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Ambrose Bierce

Tags: humor scripture false irony sacred profane scriptures holy-book holy-religion



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Good-bye -- if you hear of my being stood up against a stone wall and shot to rags please know that I think that a pretty good way to depart this life. It beats old age, disease or falling down the cellar stairs.

Ambrose Bierce

Tags: mexico kind-darkness old-gringo pancho-villa the-good



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I was born to poor because of honest parents.

Ambrose Bierce


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