My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.
Chelsea HandlerTags: humor marriage strippers sex-workers
I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.
Chelsea HandlerTags: humor drugs drinking alcohol drug-use
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
Chelsea HandlerThen they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!
Chelsea HandlerTags: funny-but-true
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Chelsea HandlerTags: humor george-w-bush confusion so-funny
This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
Chelsea HandlerI don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Chelsea HandlerAnd by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.
Chelsea HandlerI had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
Chelsea HandlerTags: humors
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
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