You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
Chelsea HandlerTags: humor funny comedy hot-mess
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
Chelsea HandlerI would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
Chelsea HandlerVomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
Chelsea HandlerIt's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
Chelsea HandlerI've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border on sadistic. I know my limits, and karaoke is where I draw the line. I wouldn't put anyone through the hell of listening to me sing a song, and I sure as shit wouldn't wait in line to do it.
Chelsea HandlerThere's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
Chelsea HandlerEven if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Chelsea HandlerTags: humor life sadness loneliness masturbation heartbreak heartache
When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America.
Chelsea HandlerTags: humor money marriage bridal-registry wedding-registry
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
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