You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor funny comedy hot-mess

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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor funny

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I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

Chelsea Handler

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Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

Chelsea Handler

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It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

Chelsea Handler

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I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border on sadistic. I know my limits, and karaoke is where I draw the line. I wouldn't put anyone through the hell of listening to me sing a song, and I sure as shit wouldn't wait in line to do it.

Chelsea Handler

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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

Chelsea Handler

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Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor life sadness loneliness masturbation heartbreak heartache

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When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor money marriage bridal-registry wedding-registry

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I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Chelsea Handler

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