If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

George Carlin

Tags: humor compassion peace funny



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As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

George Carlin

Tags: humor funny comedy



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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

George Carlin

Tags: humor god funny



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How is it possible to have a civil war?

George Carlin

Tags: humor war funny terminology euphemism



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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

George Carlin

Tags: humor humanity funny



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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

George Carlin


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To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the
existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far
more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped
and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the
world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced
military and civilian radar operators.

George Carlin

Tags: humor religion ufo



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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

George Carlin


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Religion is just mind control.

George Carlin


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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.

George Carlin


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