You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.
Jarod KintzOn the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.
Jarod KintzLast year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true.
Jarod KintzI’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.
Jarod KintzIf I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time.
Jarod KintzI want to make pants out of tuna fish, to accompany my cottage cheese thighs.
Jarod KintzHe seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he’s not still hungry. If he is, I’ll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.
Jarod KintzThe question is not how much work are you willing to put in, but what are you willing to take out? Success is sacrifice.
Jarod KintzSince pigs are anatomically similar to humans, dissecting one must be like cutting up a midget. And I haven’t done that since middle school.
Jarod KintzIt’s better to say something too little, than nothing too much.
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