I don’t care if I’m on the moon, the party is on the sun, and I am an albino, you should still invite me.
Jarod KintzI’d be afraid of a man with two shadows, because that man is my clone, and he probably wants to kill me.
Jarod KintzI should be a coach, because when my players win, I win. But when my players lose, what a bunch of losers and hey, don’t blame me, because I wasn’t playing.
Jarod KintzMy asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they can’t take me out on a date.
Jarod KintzShe had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy all-you-can-eat pasta buffets.
Jarod KintzA burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There should also be marshmallows.
Jarod KintzShe’s my compliment. That’s a kind way of saying I’m lacking.
Jarod KintzWhen I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to accompany me on the piano, but if I did that I wouldn’t be lonely, would I? And what’s the point of a saxophone if not to celebrate despair?
Jarod KintzI am the sum of all somes, with a few scattered nones and nuns thrown in (though I didn’t throw the nuns in, as I don’t condone violence).
Jarod KintzJust because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it, I should be promoted for showing initiative and seeing an opportunity and opening where others saw none.
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