If you promise you will get better instead of dying, I promise I will, too.

Jordan Sonnenblick


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I dove on those papers like Sherlock Holmes on a cappuccino binge.

Jordan Sonnenblick


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Finally the kitchen clock said 5:17. It was time to roll out. I shouted for my mom, woke Jeffrey up, ran upstairs, changed into my concert clothes, put on my shoes, and was standing by the door to the garage by 5:19—chanting “Let’s go! Come on!” (Feel free to try that at home, by the way; moms love it!)

Jordan Sonnenblick


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It was like seeing Bill Gates at age thirteen, times two. And half of him was wearing a cheerleader uniform. Yes, I know that’s a weird image.

Jordan Sonnenblick


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You are a wonderful son, and a wonderful man.
Yet another parent busting forth with the “man” thing! I’d have to check my chest for signs of hair when I got home.

Jordan Sonnenblick


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Annette had kissed me.
Who would’a thunk it?

Jordan Sonnenblick


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A typical weeknight when he was home like this:

1. Sit down and try to do homework.
2. Get interrupted by Jeffrey: “Please play with me!”
3. Ignore brother, try to do homework.
4. Get interrupted by Jeffrey: “Come ON, Steven! I’m BORED!”
5. Beg Jeffrey for five minutes of peace.
6. Get begged for five minutes of play: “Steven, you never, ever play with me—ever!”
7. Move entire homework operations center to different room.
8. Repeat steps #1-7 as directed by small drugged maniac.

Jordan Sonnenblick


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What do you call a planet where bad guys stroll through life with success draped around their shoulders like a King’s cloak, while random horrors are visited upon the innocent heads of children? I call it Earth.

Jordan Sonnenblick


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GET ON THE TREADMILL!

Jordan Sonnenblick


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Some kids do drugs. Some kids light stuff on fire. Me, I eat oats.

Jordan Sonnenblick


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