I grew up having to piss in a bucket ’cos there was no indoor shitter, and now I have these computerised Japanese super-loo things that have heated seats and wash and blow-dry your arse at the touch of a button. Give it a couple of years and I’ll have a bog with a robot arm that pulls out my turds, so I don’t have to strain.

Ozzy Osbourne


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I have the greatest respect for Tony Iommi.

Ozzy Osbourne


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Going on stage was like being at a butchers’ convention. And, of course, the animal rights people were going nuts. The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals sent people to ‘monitor’ our gigs. The crew would f**k with them all the time. They’d say, ‘Oh, Ozzy’s going to throw eighteen puppies into the audience tonight, and he won’t sing a note until they’ve all been slaughtered.’
The ASPCA believed every word of it.

Ozzy Osbourne


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‘Ozzy, is it true you got busted for pissing on the Alamo?’ he asked me.
‘Yeah,’ I told him. ‘It’s true.’
‘Shit, man,’ he said. ‘We piss on it every night on our way home.’

Ozzy Osbourne


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The way I was boozing was a kind of suicide. It was only gonna be a matter of time.

Ozzy Osbourne


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Reviews?
Didn’t read ’em.

Ozzy Osbourne


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I didn’t have a clue what love was about until I met Sharon.

Ozzy Osbourne


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It’s sad, y’know, what money does to people.

Ozzy Osbourne


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When you’re in love, it’s not just about the messing around in the sack, it’s about how empty you feel when they’re gone.

Ozzy Osbourne


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I’ve said to my kids, ‘I don’t want you to think I jumped away from you and clicked my heels and said bon voyage. It wasn’t like that at all. It just about destroyed me.'

Ozzy Osbourne


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