How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers." The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.
Woody AllenTags: emily-dickinson feathers specialists zurich
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
Woody AllenTags: art purpose meaning-of-life despair hope artist emptiness purpose-in-life
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
Woody AllenI do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody AllenWhat advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.
Woody AllenI was in bed at my beach house, but could not sleep because of some fried chicken in the icebox that I felt entitled to. I waited till my wife dropped off, and tiptoed into the kitchen. I remembered looking at the clock. It was precisely four-fifteen. I'm quite certain of this, because our kitchen clock has not worked in twenty-one years and is always at that time. I also noticed that our dog, Judas, was acting funny. He was sanding up on his hind legs and singing, 'I Enjoy Being a Girl.' Suddenly the room turned bright orange. At first, I thought my wife had caught me eating between meals and set fire to the house. Then I looked out the window, where to my amazement I saw a gigantic cigar-shaped aircraft hovering just over the treetops in the yard and emitting an orange glow. I stood transfixed for what must have been several hours, though our clock still read four-fifteen, so it was difficult to tell. Finally, a large, mechanical claw extended from the aircraft and snatched the two pieces of chicken from my hand and quickly retreated. When I reported the incident to the Air Force, they told me that what I had seen was a flock of birds. When I protested, Colonel Quincy Bascomb personally promised that the Air Force would return the two pieces of chicken. To this day, I have only received one piece.
Woody AllenThe universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Woody AllenThe most beautiful words in the English language are not 'I love you', but 'It's benign'.
Woody AllenTags: misattributed-woody-allen
I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.
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