Your insult has offended me. If we were at the Peaks, we would have to duel in traditional alil'tiki'i fashion."

"Which is what?" Teft asked. "With spears?"

Rock laughed. "No, no. We upon the Peaks are not barbarians like you down here."

"How then?" Kaladin asked, genuinely curious.

"Well," Rock said, "is involving much mudbeer and singing."

“How's that a duel?”

"He who can still sing after the most drinks is winner. Plus, soon' everyone is so drunk that they forget what argument was about."

Teft laughed. "Beats knives at dawn, I suppose.

Brandon Sanderson

Tags: drinking beer funny-quotes



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One quick glance around the room and I realise that I have somehow stumbled into a wannabe serial killer convention. Every single person in the room looks as if they are concealing a weapon of some sort. My heart thuds rapidly in my chest as I sneak past an elderly man who grins lecherously at me, flashing his gold tooth.

Oh dear God, I’m going to die!
First, I get dumped – on my birthday no less – and now I’m going to get knifed in some seedy bar!

Joanne McClean

Tags: humour funny-quotes



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Am I picking you up tonight?” he asked. “Or do you still think I'm an ax murderer who might break into your house and off you and your family?”

“Pretty sure you'd go all parkour on us. Instead of using an ax.”

“Parkour? You think I'd use your family as an obstacle course?”

“What?” I asked.

He smothered a laugh. “Parkour is non-contact.”

I felt my face redden. How was I supposed to know all that guy crap?

Anna Cruise

Tags: funny-quotes



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I'd like to lose enough weight so that my bones creaked louder than the floor

Stanley Victor Paskavich

Tags: humor diets weight-loss funny-quotes



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I love to stalk. I love to stalk you real, real good. I took your name home after our date and we had the best Google session of my life.

Anyta Sunday

Tags: funny-quotes



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Dude! Get a fucking grip, it's just a song!

When had I turned into a 5-yr-old girl? At the very least, I needed to get my libido under control before the song finished, because I didn’t think that my raging hard-on would be a good icebreaker. Well, figuratively speaking anyway, I thought smugly.

M.C. Lavocat

Tags: quotes humorous-quotes romance-funny funny-quotes adult-humor



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For a split second, I wondered if he were some type of sexy sorcerer, who was able to remove my clothing by the force of his will alone. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on the buttons of his shirt, willing them to pop off.

It didn’t work. Then again, it was pretty hard to focus while he was touching me, so maybe under different circumstances, I too could be a sexy sorcerer. Watch out world.

M.C. Lavocat

Tags: romantic-comedy funny-quotes witty-quotes adult-humor



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Holy shit! Can we say unstable? Was I the only sane one around here? Well, I guess that really wasn’t setting the standard very high." -Ember, Darkness Of Light

Stacey Marie Brown

Tags: paranormal-romance demons fae urban-fantasy funny-quotes quotes-i-love darkness-of-light



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Calm your tits, pussycat.

Ella Dominguez

Tags: erotic funny-quotes ella-dominguez



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Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool.” -Janco

Maria V. Snyder

Tags: humor thought-provoking funny-but-true funny-and-random after-death funny-quotes afterlife-speculation



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