It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies can sleep at night.
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all-the-time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
Then, within the two hour time frame of the movie, the couple meet, fall in love, fall out of love, break up, and then just before the end of the movie, they happen to bump into each other by "coincidence" somewhere absolutely absurd, like by the river. This never happens in real life. The last time I bumped into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid. I was ringing up Gas-X and corn removers.
Tags: humor reality real-life dating movies coincidence romantic-comedy
Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway.
Chelsea HandlerWait a second. Don't take my vibrations away.
Blake SheltonThe reason God never fails is because he fears to fail
adelaja preciousTags: humor fear god humour failure
My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.
Chelsea HandlerTags: humor family parents jewish-mother
My natural tendency toward sarcasm is still not appreciated.
Veronica RothTags: humor
I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter.
Chelsea HandlerTags: humor high-school socialization
The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.
Chelsea HandlerI don't´t like doing dishes. I like eating with my hands and off napkins.
Stephen ChboskyTags: humor
This was just the way I imagined myself around Nancy Grace--available, yet distant.
Chelsea HandlerTags: humor nancy-grace
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