But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.
David SedarisTags: humorous
We took a right at the fork, heading farther north. The charred houses continued. To the right, a large sign nailed to an old telephone post shouted DANGER in huge red letters. Underneath in crisp black letters was written:
IM-1: Infectious Magic Area
Do Not Enter
Authorized Personnel Only
A second smaller sign under the first one, written on a piece of plastic with permanent marker, read:
Keep out, stupid.
“We aren’t going to keep out, are we?” Ascanio asked.
“No.”
“Awesome.
Tags: humorous
Today, Aaron decided, he would begin to grieve in earnest. He would walk the lonely beach, mocked by gulls, uncaring, his every step a stately rebuke to the malign forces that had blighted his fate. His was the tragedy of a man who couldn't have his own way, and he intended to make known his anguish in the solemn solitude that only a stretch of sand, a suspiring sea, and a beetling cliff could provide.
Joseph Caldwell[To my enemy:] Some are great, some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them! And then there's you.
Reginald DipwippleTags: humorous
A Man can Live two Weeks without Food,
go two days without Water,
and two minutes without Air,
and apparently,
an entire lifetime without a BRAIN.
Tags: humorous
To-morrow I will begin," thought Katy, as she dropped asleep that night. How often we all do so! And what a pity it is that when morning comes and to-morrow is to-day, we so frequently wake up feeling quite differently; careless or impatient, and not a bit inclined to do the fine things we planned overnight.
Susan CoolidgeTags: humorous procrastinating
For it was intelligence that was the thin line between endearing rapscallion and idiot bastard. - Éibhear the Contemptible
G.A. AikenTags: intelligence humorous
Jessamine blew out her cheeks in exasperation. "I think you ought to let me take poor Tessa into town to get some new clothes. Otherwise, the first time she takes a deep breath, that dress will fall right off her."
Will looked interested. "I think she should try that out right now and see what happens.
Tags: humorous
One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. What's the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while you're taking a shit? You're going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis.
Adam CarollaTags: humorous
An oldtimer is a person who's had many interesting experiences, some of them true.
Bob GillulyTags: humorous
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