It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor

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I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor sense-of-humor

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How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor family drug-use

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I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor sex escorts sex-work

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I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor shallow dating appearance shallowness

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It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies can sleep at night.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all-the-time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

Then, within the two hour time frame of the movie, the couple meet, fall in love, fall out of love, break up, and then just before the end of the movie, they happen to bump into each other by "coincidence" somewhere absolutely absurd, like by the river. This never happens in real life. The last time I bumped into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid. I was ringing up Gas-X and corn removers.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor reality real-life dating movies coincidence romantic-comedy

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I love your personality," I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when a bank teller at Wells Fargo had threatened to put a ten-day hold on a check from my father because my average balance was $3.56.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor frustration annoyed

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Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor marriage

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The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor dogs

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I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter.

Chelsea Handler

Mots clés humor high-school socialization

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