Let’s split the pizza amongst ourselves, and divide the price evenly amongst yourselves.

Jarod Kintz

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You are dead. It just hasn’t occurred to you yet.

Jarod Kintz

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I’d understand if at your front door you want me to take off my shoes, but I wouldn’t understand if you asked me to also take off my feet. I’m OK with nudity, but not foot fetishes.

Jarod Kintz

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I’m not in the system. I’m starting to question my own existence.

Jarod Kintz

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I need to convince John to convince Jim to convince Jason that I don’t need convincing.

Jarod Kintz

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If I were a number, I’d want to have sextillion with you.

Jarod Kintz

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To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.

Jarod Kintz

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I would suggest aboulia isn’t frequently spelled abulia, because I doubt it’s frequently spelled at all.

Jarod Kintz

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I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love.

Jarod Kintz

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I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.

Jarod Kintz

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