I’ll name my town “Unwelcome,” and the sign will say, “Welcome to Unwelcome.

Jarod Kintz

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Criminals should be hung like championship banners—proudly, and in an effort to sell tickets.

Jarod Kintz

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Well excuse me! How was I supposed to know that a pink baseball cap with a dildo glued on top isn’t a “hard hat”?


Jarod Kintz

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Television isn’t a substitute for a babysitter, but the microwave is. Mmmm cooked babies!

Jarod Kintz

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I listen better with earplugs in, so I can see what your body is really saying.

Jarod Kintz

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I saw her standing across the room, and I thought, “Wow! Who is that sexy woman she’s standing next to?

Jarod Kintz

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If you say I stole your pillow, that’s simply not the case.

Jarod Kintz

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-I’m looking for a man—

-There are several suspects in Topeka, Ks. that match that description. Why don’t you try there first?

Jarod Kintz

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I added five shots to my coffee, because that’s all the bullets my magazine can hold.

Jarod Kintz

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I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw in an extra bar of soap for FREE.

Jarod Kintz

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