He flatters me because he knows I am flattered by him flattering me. And that flatters him. So when he flatters me, he is really flattering himself.

Jarod Kintz


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Armadillo? I’d rather arm civilians.

Jarod Kintz


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Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.

Jarod Kintz


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Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.

Jarod Kintz


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I make love sensually, and without the aid of a fancy recipe. I just open the box, add water, stir a bit, and pop it in the oven.

Jarod Kintz


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Is love the cereal or is love the milk? Neither. Love is the spoon.

Jarod Kintz


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As an atheist hates Christmas, I hate the fourth of July.

Jarod Kintz


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I wasn’t on vacation. I was in the bathroom for an extended length of pee.

Jarod Kintz


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No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start a family. (Children over 65 eat free.)

Jarod Kintz


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I’d never own a Hooters, because while I may be the face of the franchise, people only ever look at the breasts. Makes me feel like a piece of meat—medium rare, with melted cheese on top.

Jarod Kintz


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