Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food and you shoot them, you’ll also need a good place to hide the bodies.

Jarod Kintz


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If I’m homeless and pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions, don’t be surprised to see me stopped behind a few cars in the turning lane, because I’ve got to get off this road.

Jarod Kintz


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I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.

Jarod Kintz


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I ate a Danish. Better than eating someone from Finland.

Jarod Kintz


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I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.

Jarod Kintz


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Nonstop sunny days would be boring. We need the gloom to highlight the highs.

Jarod Kintz


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Ears of corn can listen better than me when they’re still in the ground.

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My name is spelled “Spelled,” but it’s pronounced “Pronounced.

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Don’t expect my hand to extend out of her vagina and accept the charity of strangers.

Jarod Kintz


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The proof is in the putting. But it’s sexier to be taking off (just don’t take off without me).

Jarod Kintz


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