Pele popularized the bicycle kick, and I created the unicycle kick. It’s like the bicycle kick, only it requires more balance and one less wheel.

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He was a pleasant fellow, saying please and thank you as he pounded me in the face. That’s why I sent him a Get Well Soon card, since he was probably interested in my well-being.

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Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an animal. Actually, to be true as a politician you have to be false.

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I want to make slow, passionate rush hour to a pack of masturbation.

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I'm not fluent in affluent. Still, I’m grin rich, and my smile stretches from yesterday to tomorrow. You should kiss me on today.

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In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)


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They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

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My penis is looooooong. Wait, I think I left off an O. Probably better that way, so I can use it as my middle initial.

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I went to a fire sale. I brought a bucket of water, and boy did I make a splash.

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I wish I could grow out a beard, but my employer won’t let me. Also, Mother Nature won’t let me either. She’s not my real mother, you know. I adopted her.

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