All of a sudden the world opened up
and it's doing it again now.
In this garden there are so many stories,
so many other problems besides mine.
All bad nights come to an end.
Samantha SchutzI feel like a marionette -
like someone else is pulling the strings
and I have no choice but to comply.
She says it's like a switch -
a big red PANIC switch -
gets flipped in my head
and I can't turn it off.
She says we're going to figure out
how to turn it off.
I have been telling myself
that these feelings are new,
but they aren't,
I just didn't connect them before
I am jealous of the little kid
spinning around near the fountain.
What would these people think
if I were to start spinning
with my arms spread wide?
A lunatic on drugs, probably.
My greatest accomplishment here is not caring,
letting go of other people's opinions.
I am not wound as tight.
I can let go,
just no spinning yet.
Most days I go home crying
and my dad tells me
welcome to the real world.
I wish i had been there to hold his hand,brush the dark hair away from his cloudy blue eyes..whisper to him over and over that he was loved..
Samantha SchutzI feel
empty
confused
hurt
numb
disoriented
mad
vulnerable
insignificant
blurry
tired
sweaty
overwhelmed
temporary
anxious
I shut my eyes
and see a pocket of darkness.
I want to fold myself
flat and crisp,
slip inside of it
like a sheet of paper
into an envelope.
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