My heart is empty.
But my brain -
my brain is full.
It races with thoughts
of what could have been.
Death is the period at the end of a sentence.
Someone gone, but still out there, is an ellipsis...or a question to be answered.
I am fearful of romantic dinners,
huge crowds, dusk -
of normal things-
afraid to be loved,
the one thing I want most.
Maybe it's because I don't think I deserve it
because I am not that perfect
little girl that I was supposed to be,
well manicured and well groomed,
because I have nervous breakdowns,
and take pills,
and keep moving on.
When kids make gross face,
parents say, "One day
your face is going to stick like that."
I'm afraid that one day
my panic's going to stick
and it's going to be my entire life,
every second,
and there will be nothing else.
I can't believe
no one else can hear
I am screaming
inside my head.
Things are moving too fast.
I am going to die.
I am going to die.
I am going to die.
My hands are shaking.
I try to squeeze them, try to make it stop,
but now my fists are shaking,
and this shaking is working it's way through me.
It must look like I am having a fit.
I want to let the scream out,
but I think if I start,
I'll never stop.
It's not supposed to be like this.
I am too young to die.
I don't know how to make this end,
and if it doesn't, I'll have to go to the hospital,
be medicated, force-fed soft foods.
I don't want to be that person.
I am not that person.
I am not.
I am not.
I am in a house. I am in one room and my anxiety is in another. It's close. I can feel it. I can go to it. But I won't.
Samantha SchutzThis hurts more than anything else because I cannot stop it.
Samantha SchutzProtection does not come in a bottle. It is in me, in my actions, in my thoughts. I am the best medicine for myself. I am the cure and the disease.
Samantha SchutzI am so close to the edge that I could vomit, so close that it would be easy to jump.
Samantha SchutzI have only a general sense of the pain, of not being able to control my body and my thoughts. All I ever wanted was to have control- to be in charge of myself and the rest of the world.
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