...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Chelsea Handler

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I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Chelsea Handler

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I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Chelsea Handler

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Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Chelsea Handler

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It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

Chelsea Handler

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We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.

Chelsea Handler

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My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Chelsea Handler

Tag: humor self-sacrifice selflessness sex giving oral-sex blow-job giving-and-receiving selfless

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Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

Chelsea Handler

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He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

Chelsea Handler

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Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

Chelsea Handler

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