Is your bed big enough? Because if it is, I can always join you and crowd it up a bit.
Jarod KintzTwo mustaches walk into a bar, and the bartender said, “Can I get you a drink?” Both mustaches turned towards each other but said nothing, because they’d each left their mouth at home.
Jarod KintzThings should go where I intend them to go, not where I tend to put them.
Jarod KintzEach one of my nostrils is the size of my urethra. Every breath smells like piss.
Jarod KintzI tried turning the table on my opposition, but the table was circular, and I wasn’t sure how far to turn it.
Jarod KintzAfter I go to the bathroom, I leave my hands wet as proof I washed them.
Jarod KintzI was alone in that room. Of course, there were bodies all around, but they were all dead. They were dead when I got there. Well, most of them were dead. The last few I had to strangle so I could enjoy some solitude.
Jarod KintzI asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out to coffee.
Jarod KintzI can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.
Jarod KintzWhen faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.
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