I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.

Jarod Kintz

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I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice cream melts in the Sahara.

Jarod Kintz

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I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around barefoot for a week, in honor of a man who died a senseless death. What a tragedy he didn’t wear larger shoes, so that his death could have meant something.

Jarod Kintz

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I sleep on my side. And if you’re not on my side, you’re against me.

Jarod Kintz

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I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.

Jarod Kintz

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How do you seduce a whole continent? One person at a time.

Jarod Kintz

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Don’t chop off your fingers because you have an itch. That’d be dumb. Instead, take a scalpel and try extracting the effected area of flesh.

Jarod Kintz

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While I love people, I hate every single person. I only like a person if they’re in a relationship.

Jarod Kintz

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I’d scale the tallest tree, just to surreptitiously watch you sunbathe naked. So the real question is, does that make me romantic—or heroic?

Jarod Kintz

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I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.

Jarod Kintz

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