I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.
Jarod KintzI’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice cream melts in the Sahara.
Jarod KintzI killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around barefoot for a week, in honor of a man who died a senseless death. What a tragedy he didn’t wear larger shoes, so that his death could have meant something.
Jarod KintzI sleep on my side. And if you’re not on my side, you’re against me.
Jarod KintzI keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.
Jarod KintzHow do you seduce a whole continent? One person at a time.
Jarod KintzDon’t chop off your fingers because you have an itch. That’d be dumb. Instead, take a scalpel and try extracting the effected area of flesh.
Jarod KintzWhile I love people, I hate every single person. I only like a person if they’re in a relationship.
Jarod KintzI’d scale the tallest tree, just to surreptitiously watch you sunbathe naked. So the real question is, does that make me romantic—or heroic?
Jarod KintzI loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.
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