Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.

Mark Twain

Tag: humor



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It didn't take me long to make up my mind that these liars warn't no kings nor dukes at all, but just low-down humbugs and frauds. But I never said nothing, never let on; kept it to myself; it's the best way; then you don't have no quarrels, and don't get into no trouble. If they wanted us to call them kings and dukes, I hadn't no objections, 'long as it would keep peace in the family; and it warn't no use to tell Jim, so I didn't tell him. If I never learnt nothing else out of pap, I learnt that the best way to get along with his kind of people is to let them have their own way.

Mark Twain


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Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Mark Twain

Tag: humor-inspirational



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Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else.

Mark Twain

Tag: opinions



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I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts.

Mark Twain

Tag: opinions facts



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We catched fish, and talked, and we took a swim now and then to keep off sleepiness. It was kind of solemn, drifting down the big still river, laying on our backs looking up at the stars, and we didn’t ever feel like talking loud, and it warn’t often that we laughed, only a kind of low chuckle. We had mighty good weather, as a general thing, and nothing ever happened to us at all, that night, nor the next, nor the next.

Mark Twain


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In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled the Star Spangled Banner, the choir chased it to cover, and George came in with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered it. Nobody mourned. We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional and I do not endorse it).

Mark Twain

Tag: funny humorist



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Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Mark Twain


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I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

Mark Twain


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The Doors Open at 7, The trouble begins at 8.

Mark Twain


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