Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
Stephen ColbertTag: politics united-states 2012 twitter united-states-elections-2012
Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
Stephen ColbertTag: politics united-states 2012 twitter united-states-elections-2012
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
Stephen ColbertTag: politics sex united-states media journalism 2012 twitter david-petraeus petraeus-scandal sex-scandals
My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.
Stephen ColbertTag: politics united-states humour bill-clinton 2012 twitter newt-gingrich government-shutdown
Baptists:
I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don't go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much.
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
Stephen ColbertTag: sadness grief depression
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
Stephen ColbertContraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Stephen ColbertTag: reality-check
Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.
Stephen ColbertTag: history civilization america united-states jesus rapture americans united-states-of-america
Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.
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