I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.
Stephen ColbertYes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'-- Stephen Colbert
Stephen ColbertBam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just say it.
Stephen ColbertTag: humor
Why even dictate?
Well, like a lot of other dictators, there's one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine.
Tag: humor
Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair!
Stephen ColbertTag: humor religion satire samson delilah samson-and-delilah
That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.
Stephen ColbertTag: humor religion satire pokemon
Just because I haven't put a lot of thought into this book doesn't mean you shouldn't. I warn you to read this book carefully. Savor my ideas. Memorize the pertinent passages. Eat with it, sleep with it, let nature take its course.
Because what I have dictated is nothing less than a Constitution for the Colbert Nation. And, like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research.
I didn't need to. The only research I needed was a long hard look in the mirror.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there's a whole category for the unemployed?
Stephen ColbertYou can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.
Stephen ColbertTag: humor satire mistakes parenting
Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.
Stephen ColbertTag: humor marriage satire divorce welfare
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