If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell

Philip Henry Sheridan

Tag: humor humour hell civil-war texas philip-h-sheridan union

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I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

Jane Wagner

Tag: humour language complaining

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But the plans were on display…”
“On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.”
“That’s the display department.”
“With a flashlight.”
“Ah, well, the lights had probably gone.”
“So had the stairs.”
“But look, you found the notice, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” said Arthur, “yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard.

Douglas Adams

Tag: humour house bureaucracy arthur-dent bypass demolition department

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Marry, don't marry,' Auntie Aya says as we unfold layers of dough to make an apple strudel.

Just don't have your babies unless it's absolutely necessary.'

How do I know if it's necessary?'

She stops and stares ahead, her hands gloved in flour. 'Ask yourself, Do I want a baby or do I want to make a cake? The answer will come to you like bells ringing.' She flickers her fingers in the air by her ear. 'For me, almost always, the answer was cake.

Diana Abu-Jaber

Tag: food humour babies

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I like the way you've let your hair go curly," he finally said. "Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,"
Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum

Janet Evanovich

Tag: humour

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Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.

Janet Evanovich

Tag: humour

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But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes, without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand.

Jerome K. Jerome

Tag: humor humour weather

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If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.

Johnny Depp

Tag: love humour

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J'avoue que je suis quelque peu décontenancée par ce que vous venez de m'apprendre. Venir au monde, ou en tout cas connaître le jour dans un sac à main, qu'il ait des poignées ou non, me semble témoigner d'un mépris des convenances habituelles de la vie de famille qui rappelle les pires excès de la Révolution française. Et je présume que vous savez à quoi a conduit cette malheureuse agitation ? Quant au lieu précis où fut trouvé ce sac à main, une consigne de gare peut dort bien servir à dissimuler un faux-pas et il est probable qu'elle a déjà été utilisée à cette fin ; mais on ne peut guère la considérer comme le fondement assuré d'une position reconnue dans la bonne société."
Lady Bracknell, Act I (L'importance d'être Constant)

Oscar Wilde

Tag: humour convenances théâtre

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Lorsque tu verras une bonne
D'enfants, et non autre personne,
Assise au milieu d'un tender
Ou wagon de chemin de fer,
Découvres-toi sur son passage,
Salut à son noble visage !
Moralité
A bonne en tender, salut. "

(Fables de Joinville)

Alphonse Allais

Tag: humour jeu-de-mots

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