I have a favorite cemetery I go to, because it’s really clean and the doctors and nurses are all very nice.

Jarod Kintz


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Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

Jarod Kintz


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After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just too tight.

Jarod Kintz


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At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the same factory. I think we were made in the USA, because things quickly began falling apart.

Jarod Kintz


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She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

Jarod Kintz


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Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.

Jarod Kintz


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I treat women like royalty. But not from a Bolshevik perspective.

Jarod Kintz


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I think the most heavenly food is fluffy white clouds.

Jarod Kintz


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I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.

Jarod Kintz


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I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?

Jarod Kintz


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