How big is my penis? Big enough to touch my hands.

Jarod Kintz


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I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

Jarod Kintz


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I called, but the phones were all tied up. And so were the operators who normally answer them. Some were even gagged too.

Jarod Kintz


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If I ever decide to kill you, you’d be the first to know about it. (And hopefully the only person to know about it).

Jarod Kintz


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I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years all it did was sit on the sofa watching TV.

Jarod Kintz


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My book is called “Blue Collar.” That’s just a working title.

Jarod Kintz


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A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting him like I used to do to grandpa before he drowned.

Jarod Kintz


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I knew a woman named Hope once, and boy did she fill me with her first name.

Jarod Kintz


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I’ll tell you about love on one condition: that you give it to me unconditionally.

Jarod Kintz


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My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.

Jarod Kintz


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