I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).

Jarod Kintz


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-My son was 32 when he died.

-Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?

Jarod Kintz


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I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

Jarod Kintz


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My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.

Jarod Kintz


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I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be allowed to marry. Or have sex. And maybe not even engage in necking, unless it’s a man and a giraffe.

Jarod Kintz


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Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

Jarod Kintz


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If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

Jarod Kintz


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Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can also have love on top--however, you must understand that I would do anything, but I won’t do that.

Jarod Kintz


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I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw.

Jarod Kintz


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When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.

Jarod Kintz


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