I like remembering her as she was—a fantasy of the future.

Jarod Kintz


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I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.

Jarod Kintz


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If I shed my skin like a shed, rather than a snake, then you might expect me to have shingles.

Jarod Kintz


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At the end of the universe you’ll find a door labeled “Do Not Enter.” No great mysteries are hidden there—it’s just a supplies closet.

Jarod Kintz


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I kiss like a skyscraper meets the sky, only with less scraping and more vertigo.

Jarod Kintz


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She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a pair of antlers.

Jarod Kintz


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My penis is like a wet noodle, only not as thick. Or tasty.

Jarod Kintz


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If you put the “rich” in ostrich, I’ll put in the “ost.

Jarod Kintz


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Toilet bowl basins need to be deeper, because every time I sit down my penis clogs the pipe.

Jarod Kintz


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The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.

Jarod Kintz


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