I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Woody Allen

Tags: humor reading speed-reading tolstoy



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I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Woody Allen

Tags: self-deprecating woody-allen



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My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

Woody Allen

Tags: humor



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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Woody Allen

Tags: humor music absurd



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If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

Woody Allen

Tags: humor religion christian-behavior organized-religion woody-allen



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How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Woody Allen


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The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Woody Allen

Tags: sex



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The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Woody Allen

Tags: sex



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Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

Woody Allen

Tags: sex



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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Woody Allen

Tags: sex



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