Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?
It'll be a year come April 20th.
I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday
Tags: absurd
I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket.
He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.
Tags: absurd
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
Woody AllenTags: life
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Tags: humor religion atheism absurd
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody AllenTags: philosophy atheism metaphysics
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody AllenThere are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody AllenWhile we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.
Woody AllenI had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody AllenSome guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.
Woody AllenTags: epithet
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