The engine of my car is so powerful I could wash dishes under the hood. But that’d be pretty absurd, since I keep the dishwasher in the trunk.

Jarod Kintz


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There’s no way to tell you the bad news without saying it, so I’ll say it with body language.

Jarod Kintz


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You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.

Jarod Kintz


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Enjoy a life of poverty. Become a poet.

Jarod Kintz


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Every man has a soul, but will every man’s clone have a soul? No, because me and some scientists will have sucked them out in the lab. Why sell your soul to the devil, when you can sell your clone’s soul?

Jarod Kintz


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What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two.

Jarod Kintz


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I’m on the cusp of owning two cups.

Jarod Kintz


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I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?

Jarod Kintz


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I tie my smile like a shoelace.

Jarod Kintz


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I paid her a little visit, and I used a coupon with the purchase.

Jarod Kintz


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