I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

Jarod Kintz


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Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandpa used to do a little flirting, too.

Jarod Kintz


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If it’s not already written, I want to write a book called, “The Art of Raw.” But instead of using my real name, I’ll use the pseudonym, “Sun Tzushi.

Jarod Kintz


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The two spoons were stuck together. Not because they were sticky, but because they were stubborn and clingy and “in love.

Jarod Kintz


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The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.

Jarod Kintz


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I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much.

Jarod Kintz


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The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well.

Jarod Kintz


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I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them.

Jarod Kintz


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They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.

Jarod Kintz


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I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.

Jarod Kintz


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