If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.

Jarod Kintz


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I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.

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Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

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The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

Jarod Kintz


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I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, "I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon." Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.

Jarod Kintz


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I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that.

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My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

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I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited.

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There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t

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My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.

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