I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together.
Jarod KintzI’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.
Jarod KintzI’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.
Jarod KintzTo become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life.
Jarod KintzI like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.
Jarod KintzIt’s been said that the most successful people are often early risers. So that’s why I started getting up in the afternoon, which is well before any “successful” person even thinks of going to bed.
Jarod KintzIf writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.
Jarod KintzMoral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.
Jarod KintzI told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago.
Jarod KintzI have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.
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