I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.

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Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.

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My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.

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I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.

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To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

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I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

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Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky.

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I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie.

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A windmill has arms, but does not hug. Where’s the love?

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Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars.

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